So another author Googled themselves and came across this blog, a festering boil of hate and bitterness nestled within the Internet’s sweaty, unshaven armpit. There is quite literally no other way to find this blog. I don’t advertise and I’m not a member of some blogging clique. The blog itself is a writing experiment that serves as both exercise and an outlet for someone who probably should be in therapy but hey, video games.
And still they come because authors, particularly of the fan fiction persuasion, have nothing better to do than to search for themselves hoping for just a bit of vindication and recognition. After all, if they’re popular on the Internet then screw the outside world. I get that, I really do. I also get how one could mistake this obscure little blog as an honest-to-goodness resource for game-related reviews and critiques because I do talk about games an awful darn lot and use key industry words such as graphics, sound, and Nintendo. What I don’t get is how someone can be offended because I wanted to play Otomedius Excellent instead of Skyrim.
Luke Plunkett is a sensitive, complex man. And a contradiction. Though typically relegated to passing off fan art as newsworthy articles on Kotaku, the higher-ups at Gawker sometimes throw him a game to review to keep his status as a gamer in check. Enter Duke Nukem Forever.
Around the time of Duke Nukem Forever’s release Kotaku began spamming their blog with articles and first-impressions regarding the nearly legendary lost game, all of which featured a rather obvious negative slant. When a commenter calls them out on this, editor-in-chief Brian Crecente simply replies with “We haven’t reviewed the game yet” followed by ellipses and one of those invisible Not-Me ghosts from Family Circus.
Bookstores are odd, especially the overtly pretentious chains that feature comfortable leather chairs and espresso bars. It’s almost as if they’re encouraging you to come in, read everything you want to read, and then leave without ever actually buying anything, and I respect that ineffective marketing strategy. Libraries should take note (also, dump all of the old lady librarians for perky chicks in adorable geek glasses).
Fighting games are odd. Games from this genre defy console generations and remain accessible for years to come regardless of how old they are. They have comfortable controls, memorable characters, catchy tunes, and, most importantly, are simply fun to play.
Ever since my second time playing Street Fighter II in the arcades I’ve loved the genre. The first time I played, at the behest of my brother, I chose Dhalsim. Remember that this was a time when most arcade games had only two buttons, three maximum. Street Fighter II featured twice that–what were they all for? And why am I so slow? I saw him shoot fire, how do I shoot fire? Where’s the jump button? It’s over already? Screw this, I’m playing S.T.U.N. Runner.
I’m having problems with StarCraft II, specifically the single player missions. The single player missions in the original StarCraft were often impossible or, at the very least, mean spirited–but I kept playing because I desperately wanted to know where the story was going. StarCraft II’s missions are essentially tutorials with occasional environmental effects. They’re incredibly easy and sort of fun in an I’m-going-to-cleanse-the-entire-map-of-the-CPU’s-presence way. The story can best be described as “trash” or, if you’re generous, “kind of retarded.”
You’re living the gamer dream: most of your work is done from home, you’re paid to interview celebrities, and you attend spectacular events, all of which revolve around the gaming industry. Some might call you a sellout and cry that you’re somehow ruining the very spirit of gaming but you stand firm, nose turned skyward, because deep in your soul you know that you, a video game blogger, are keeping gaming and gaming fandom alive.
Remember Bionic Commando: Rearmed? It was a decent remake of the NES Bionic Commando which itself was a complete revision of the arcade original. The remake of the revision was developed by GRIN, a software development team best known for making Bionic Commando: Rearmed and completely botching the thrice-remade Bionic Commando for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3, a third-person 3D action game because, hey, it’s the next generation thing to do. Soon after, Capcom of Japan invaded Sweden, systematically dismantled the GRIN studio, and have since erased all knowledge of the developer having ever existed, ultimately vindicating anyone who purchased the new Bionic Commando game.
I’m an industry insider. I can’t back this claim up because I’d be risking my job and breaking the trust with other insiders like myself but rest assured I am an insider. For example, my sources have told me that there won’t be a Shemmue 3 this year nor are we likely to be playing Tempest 2010 on our Jaguar 2s. You can trust this knowledge to be accurate–I am an insider, after all.
Some unfortunate fool not only discovered this travesty of a blog but also made the mistake of publishing a link to my long overdo Penny Arcade rant. This brought about a handful of mentally unstable, gibbering gerbils leaving hurtful, sarcastic comments that I probably should care about but find myself too busy having a jolly old time laughing like a madman at all of them.
Look, congregation, I’ll present it to you with two possible revelations that might make you foam at the mouth a little less, though I doubt it. I realize choosing one will conflict horribly with your own latchkey opinions so be brave. You’re big boys and girls now. I think you’re prepared to accept that nothing in the world is black and white.
I knew someone would Google themselves and find this page. I mean, the chances are pretty good because there can’t be that many page hits for “rinoa dry-humping squall on toilet” but still, I think I deserve some sort of prize.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m out of touch with today’s generation of young gamers. Thankfully I have my friend the Internet here to help me assess what the filthy, Mountain Dew-swilling gaming masses are thinking.
Seeking popular gaming opinion has been made even simpler thanks to the gaming industry and its minions making Penny Arcade the voice of gamers. Imagine, a couple of gamers just like you and me accept they’re getting get paid to draw shitty cartoons about much-hyped games, rape the English language, and talk about their penis (or penises, I suppose. I assume they don’t share one) (I assume). I, for one, sleep better at night knowing that the antics of these spoiled slobs who make their living playing video games influences both developers and gamers alike.
What’s really amusing is that the whole thing is approached as counter-culture with a sort of fuck-the-establishment vibe similar to counter-culture shop Hot Topic. They’re not really fighting the power, just dressing it up in black and piercing its eyebrow. Face it, if you’re turning a profit through licensed product whoring you’re the very thing you’re against.