Fan Fiction

Tap to Summon Terrible Fan Fiction

It's like Magic: The Gathering for children with ADDYou’ve probably heard that, as a species, human beings only consciously use 10% of our brains. This is total crap, but for the sake of a clever opening let’s say we all believe it. This would leave 90% of our brains open for potential improvement or, if you’re anything like me, storing completely useless knowledge that will never benefit anyone anywhere anytime ever.



Genocide City

Sonic's own personal hell.As I read more and more of the tortuous rambling of lonely high school freshmen I find myself enjoying it in much the same way one enjoys a bad movie like, say, Dungeon & Dragons. It’s great fun to watch that film and point out which scenes have been lifted from other movies. There’s also that gray beholder thing that apparently rode the short bus to the dungeon. Were he an actual beholder he would have ended the movie the moment he appeared and probably would have gone on to enslave the audience. No, our plucky cast of teens straight from the Disney Channel manage to sneak by a creature typically loaded with tons of free-moving tentacle eyes, each with their own unique magical ability, to rescue princess Leia or something. Of course, the beholder in the movie didn’t have all the eye stalks and very well could have just been a cheap beholder balloon purchased in Waterdeep’s Party City used to fool some of the less clever dungeon explorers.

The point is fan fiction, like a bad movie, is made with near insane sincerity and thought by most involved to be simply the greatest thing ever. It’s only in retrospect when no one remembers their efforts that we find them sitting alone in their trailer, dried blood and cocaine dabbed around their nose, looking at their work on the Sci-Fi channel and cursing to and at themselves.


Lessons in Redundancy

The quickest way to get the crap beat out of you.I started writing a tender, beautiful article filled with bittersweet memories of lost youth in gaming. It was touching, if not a little sad, and was dripping with personal revelations and confessions. My goal was to convey this gentle melancholy to the reader and fill them not just with nostalgia but also a sense of acceptance of days gone by…to act as a gentle reminder that it’s perfectly okay to hate kids that run around with NES belt buckles and Duck Hunt T-shirts.


Don’t Open That Door

Barry, the White Barry WhiteThere’s this guy who sits a couple of cubicles down who couldn’t possibly be any more stereotypical of an office goon. He’s the type of person who flirts with only the cute girls, kisses up to the supervisors, and is extremely anxious to climb that corporate ladder. His fat, chipmunk face looks as if he has two massive jawbreakers lodged in his obnoxious maw and he regales the floor with last night’s football game as if he were not only there but orchestrating every single play himself.

I once saw him tell a guy who had just been let go, a guy he didn’t even know, to keep in touch.


More Fan Fiction–Why?

Notice how Tom Nook stands apart from everyone else. The little fucker.After only reading two unfinished works of fan fiction perhaps I’ve been unfair as to judge this deeply disturbing and introverted hobby. It certainly wasn’t very scientific of me to select two obvious pieces of fetid anus in an effort to fairly review the cancer that is fan fiction.

What happens when the Soul Calibur characters air their problems on a talk show? CHAPTER 4: Xianghua is finally going to tell Kilik that she’s in love with him but he has his eye on someone else…[Version 2 of Chapter 3].R&R please ppl!

Jesus Christ never mind.


Fan Fiction Review

Hey, Adol! Smell that fresh sea breeze?!I am by no means innocent when it comes to fan fiction. As early as the 6th grade I attempted to write narratives around games such as Golden Axe but could never seem to get too far past level 3 before realizing that I should probably be paying more attention to girls who suddenly seemed to be this entirely different gender. That has to be one of the most jarring experiences for an adolescent; by the end of the 5th grade all of your pals who happened to be girls are pretty much boys who wear pink skirts and collect My Little Pony dolls. Expecting more of the same the following school year you find yourself scared and confused as the little tomboy you grew up with is now a foot taller than you with these bumps on her chest that your eyes are inexplicably drawn to. It’s like they spent the summer transforming into women while you were busy failing to beat Final Fantasy even with the help of the official Nintendo Power strategy guide.