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No Means Bullet Witch

The main character's weapon is far more interesting than the main character. Like in Final Fantasy 7.My affinity for bad games has surged recently like the need to vomit after seeing the words Portal and hilarious in the same sentence. Don’t get me wrong, Portal is a clever game with a handful of mildly cute moments but I think I am either too jaded or too unhip to find it drop-your-pants hilarious. I admit, my expectations had been raised to a rather unreachable level by the ridiculous amounts of Portal references floating around the Internet at the time. I temporarily forgot that the teenagers running the Internet can turn subtle and even mundane gags into outrageously saturated meme so I often found myself  thinking “What? That’s it? That’s what people won’t shut up about?”

Game journalists—wait, no such thing. Game bloggers went wild over the writing which I can only assume was because it was penned by someone who wrote for a website that was once popular among said bloggers. Said bloggers, particularly bloggers that cover geek culture, have a frighteningly exclusive clique so it seems that any time one of them is featured in a non-Internet-related project they all form a giant circle jerk and unleash a barrage of name-drops and praises onto the unsuspecting reader.

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I’m Sorry, I Like Ridge Racer 6

It's almost adorable how hard Ridge Racer tries to be sexy.When I finally broke down and purchased an Xbox 360 it was late enough into its life cycle that the majority of its first generation titles had hit the bargain bins hard. Among the piles of out-dated sports titles and those obnoxious Burger King games were some real gems, including Earth Defense Force 2017, Dead or Alive 4, and Ridge Racer 6.

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Where I Insult Your Favorite Webcomic

Technically, CTRL+ALT+DEL would be a keystroke for an abortion.

Bookstores are odd, especially the overtly pretentious chains that feature comfortable leather chairs and espresso bars. It’s almost as if they’re encouraging you to come in, read everything you want to read, and then leave without ever actually buying anything, and I respect that ineffective marketing strategy. Libraries should take note (also, dump all of the old lady librarians for perky chicks in adorable geek glasses).

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Big Budget Indie Games: LittleBigPlanet

In the UK, this passes as charming.Everyone loves LittleBigPlanet1UP.com gave it an A+, Edge a 10/10, and GamePro called it the Game of Year. Despite the praise from critics LBP was hardly the killer app that Sony was looking for. Eventually it did sell quite a few copies, but why did it take so long and why wasn’t it a huge hit? They had an adorable character, stunning graphics, endless playability options…what was the problem?

The problem, at least one of the problems, is that LittleBigPlanet is a giant pile of pretentious, avant-garde crap. It’s not so much of a game as it is a cumbersome Lego set for adults. The type of Lego set kids in the gifted program get for Christmas that are loaded with things like pistons, motors, pulleys, and absolutely no fun.

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Get Hype

Actually a fairly clean Street Fighter II machine.

Fighting games are odd. Games from this genre defy console generations and remain accessible for years to come regardless of how old they are. They have comfortable controls, memorable characters, catchy tunes, and, most importantly, are simply fun to play.

Ever since my second time playing Street Fighter II in the arcades I’ve loved the genre. The first time I played, at the behest of my brother, I chose Dhalsim. Remember that this was a time when most arcade games had only two buttons, three maximum. Street Fighter II featured twice that–what were they all for? And why am I so slow? I saw him shoot fire, how do I shoot fire? Where’s the jump button? It’s over already? Screw this, I’m playing S.T.U.N. Runner.

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Illbleed: an Anti-Review

GIANT, SATANIC VERSION OF SONIC THE HEDGEHOGVideo game reviews are awful. You have the template review that plagiarizes the game’s instruction manual, only mentioning the cool graphics at the end, the sophisticated review that compares political manifestos or works of ancient literature to games like A Link to the Past that do nothing but inspire the reader to punch the reviewer, or the Game Informer review where you talk about just how great the latest blockbuster title is (except for that darn camera) and make some penis jokes here and there to make it seem more like your review is coming from a person and not from the advertising copy provided by the publisher. Almost all reviews feature an arbitrary ratings system that fuel playground arguments in schoolyards everywhere.

Look at this review for Illbleed. Look at it! This is why I have nothing but contempt for video game reviews. And probably life in general.

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Going Forward with Epic

The 110% Most Epic Badassness Thing EverI’m having problems with StarCraft II, specifically the single player missions. The single player missions in the original StarCraft were often impossible or, at the very least, mean spirited–but I kept playing because I desperately wanted to know where the story was going. StarCraft II’s missions are essentially tutorials with occasional environmental effects. They’re incredibly easy and sort of fun in an I’m-going-to-cleanse-the-entire-map-of-the-CPU’s-presence way. The story can best be described as “trash” or, if you’re generous, “kind of retarded.”

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